I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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