Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
