I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
