if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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