Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
