he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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