I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
