Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
