My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
