apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
