I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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