When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
