dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
