omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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