i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
