im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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