The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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