No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
ttyl tear gas
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
