The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
God I need to hump something, right now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
