ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
