for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
