When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
