clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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