ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
either way he was missing a nipple.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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