the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
