No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
