Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
