The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
