Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
