It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
