I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize