After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
