I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
