chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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