i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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