Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
