I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
