Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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