You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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