I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
