apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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