He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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