is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
