If i come over, it means nothing
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
