...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need moral support for this bender
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
