i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
