I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
