i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
