she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
