Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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