News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
