Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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