I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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