I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
