I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
