I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize