My underwear smells like fireworks.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
